Paulette's blog: "My Ramblings"

I spent much of November sending off the Texas National Guard. The fact that Thanksgiving was only a few weeks away didn't escape me. I couldn't help but think of them and their families on Thanksgiving. the empty chairs they would have at the dinner tables on that day and every day until the deployment is over. I got to spend a lot of time with several of the deploying national guardsmen. I made several good friends..so my heart has been a bit heavier this year than usual. But my life as a volunteer is an emotional roller coaster..I go from sending soldiers off and them miss Thanksgiving to bringing them home just in time for Christmas. I worked my first redeployment (homecoming) for this particular brigade last night. Most people who read my blog know about my angel pennies. I have worked hundreds of flights now and have easily given away hundreds of pennies. So I don't remember where all the pennies go..some yes..all NO. Last night on the tarmac I had a group of over 300 soldiers come home. As I was driving to the flight I noticed the gate to get on post was decorated with wreaths, garland and lights. As I passed thru I remembered thinking how awesome it was that the first Christmas lights these soldiers would see would be the ones where they are exiting the post. It seemed fitting in some way..like a greeting to them..a welcome home. So with that on my mind I went to the terminal to wait for the plane. And right on time the unmistakeble roar of the engines could be heard. I haven't had a plane come home yet that didn't give me butterflies. There is NO sight like seeing a soldier touch US soil again for the first time. Words cant describe the sense of pride you feel. For a group of over 300 this group was pretty quiet and laid back. and as they made their way inside they weren't rushed. Almost everyone of them made eye contact with me as he shook my hand..and every one said "thank you". It's truly moving when one wants to hug you..and you say "welcome home" and they quietly say.."thank you mam" as their head is against yours. We never go inside the terminal until the very last soldier is in. Each one gets welcomed home. The terminal is a huge open room...So I'm walking across this huge open room filled with soldiers and one soldier is making a bee line right for me. I don't realize it's ME he's coming to until he holds his arm and points to me. I stop..kinda stunned wondering what i had done wrong this time! lol...he gets close to me and says" 14 months ago as i was about to walk out to the plane, you gave me something. You told me to hang on to it and bring it back to you when I came home. I have had it with me every day of those 14 months. To be honest mam..I don't really want to give it back unless you really want it." I was grinning..and I knew what it was he hd..but I asked anyway..he said," Mam it's a penny..and it has an angel cut out of it. And like I said you can have it back if you want it..because I gave you my word and all..I was worried the whole time I was over there because I couldn't remember what you looked like. and i was afraid I wouldn't know you..but as soon as i spotted you outside i remembered your smile..and I said to myself..THATS HER!!..so here I am mam." By this time I'm near tears..I hug him..and as i hug him I tell him, " No..you keep the angel..she's yours. I didn't want YOU to bring HER back...I wanted HER to bring YOU back...welcome home."

Today is Veterans Day. A day set aside to take the time to honor the patriotism, courage and sacrifice of our armed forces. For all those past and present who dedicate their lives defending the freedoms of our country. I'm not sure exactly how to express my gratitude to these selfless men and women. Monthly for the last 23 months I have sent off and brought home plane after plane of soldiers returning from overseas. Yet I still don't know how to properly say thank you. When a plane deploys the soldiers walk in single file line thru a line of cheering USO and Red Cross volunteers. At the end of the line are two American flags. I recently saw a soldier walk past the flag turn around come back and kiss the flag. This happened to be the same soldier who had earlier in the day told me he didn't mind going overseas. He said if he went, it meant another soldier got to come home. How can I properly thank him? I'm lucky enough to also volunteer with veterans. They range from veterans of World War 2, The Korean War, Vietnam and the Gulf War. One day I was standing next to my friend Jack who is a Vietnam vet. He told me that he volunteers because he wants to make sure each soldier gets a proper welcome home. Because he didn't when he came home. After a few minutes of silence I softly said.."hey Jack..welcome home. I know it's late in coming, but welcome home." He looked down at the ground and said,"better late than not at all...thank you." How do I properly thank him? How do I properly thank the guys I can see waving to me as their plane taxis away? Or the guy I saw get to the top of plane stairs only to turn to around and blow us all a kiss? Or the guy who was shaking so bad he couldn't put his angel penny on his dog tags? Or the guys who thank me for volunteering? Or the young girl I saw heading to the plane with a teddy bear sticking out the top of her back pack? Or the guy who is walking to the plane and looks back one more time? Or the line after line after line of soldiers I see heading off to war? Or the ones who come and sleep on my living room floor? Or the ones who play with my kids? Or the elderly man who served with pride? Or the man who struggled to get out his wheelchair to put a dollar in my donation bucket? Or the man leaning on his cane I stood next to last year in NYC who saluted the flag as it went by? How do I properly say thank you to any of them? I don't think I can..but until I find a proper way..I will just say thank you. Your sacrifice and service does not go unnoticed.

Tonight I watched a beautiful sunset. I'm always amazed by sunsets. I guess because it's the only one you will get for that day. You will never have another for that day..that's it..one shot. Kinda like life..you get one chance to live. As I sat and watched the sun go down beyond the trees and the colors deepen it was hard to imagine that anything bad or negative could be going on in this world we live in. But the deafening silence of my house stood as a stark reminder of the imperfect world we have. My husband and kids went to run errands..they didn't say they were leaving..didn't invite me to go or even say bye. They just left me..left me behind..alone. And while to some people that may not seem like anything bad..but to me..it is. it crushed me. I try to treat people like I would want to be treated. And I would have never done that to them. But..it is what it is. So as I sat watching the sunset..I found myself deep in thought. I wondered how many people would not live to see another sunset. How many people would lose someone they loved before the next sunset. How many people had tears flowing down their cheeks just like I did. How many people sat hurting. How many people felt taken for granted. How many people tried so hard to give their life meaning. How many people knew they didn't matter. How many people tried so hard to make someone love them..only to realize that they couldn't. How many wondered if they disappeared would anyone even notice. How many people felt that no matter what they did they would never be accepted. How many people went to sleep hoping they wouldn't wake up. How many people did things that weren't appreciated. How many people smiled on the outside yet wept on the inside. How many people just wanted to love with all their heart and be loved in return. How many people were even taking the time to notice the sunset at all....once again..I'm alone.

Once in a while...if you're lucky..you make friends who help you be the person you want to be. They inspire, encourage and give you confidence. When you need advice or someone to listen, they're there. You know you can always count on them when you're down or in a bind. I am very lucky because I have quite a few people like that in my life. But I feel especially blessed for my friend CJ. Since I began blogging he has been my strength and the reason many people found my blog in the first place. He has a site: http://www.soldiersperspective.us/ and he refers people over to read my stories. In addition to that he supported me with the Microsoft Award happenings. I.E. My sounding board for my speech and asking his readers to go vote. One thing I most admire him for is his site www.theyhavenames.com/ which he started to make sure that fallen soldiers weren't just blips on the news..just faceless numbers in the paper. To make sure that everyone knows that each fallen has a family, has a face, a story..but most of all a name. He has a huge heart and I know writing these stories has to take a toll on him after a while. But he continues writing to make sure the fallen aren't forgotten. He was in Savannah last week and I got to see him. It wasn't for long, but I was grateful for the little time we did have. I don't know when I'll see him again..and I can live with that . Because even though I don't see him in person..I know he's there when I need him . And that is a bond that no distance will break. I will accept only seeing him once in while..because I AM lucky. I hope my words are able to convey the heartfelt gratitude and admiration I have for him. The world would be a much better place if there were more people like him. Those of us who call him a friend truly have a treasure. Thank you CJ..thanks for just being you. No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those Who are throughout persuaded of each other's worth....Robert Southey.

I know for myself this 4th of July was different from years past. I usually have my family over for a cookout and we have fireworks. This year though it didn't happen. I'm not sure why, but it didn't. I remember grumbling because it just "didn't seem like the 4th." It was a little disappointing. Even though I had 3 of my soldiers, my friend John, my kids and my husband with me..it just didn't seem like the 4th.I'm not sure how I managed to do it, but I overlooked what I had been doing July 1st, 2nd and 3rd. It had slipped my mind that over those three days I had brought home several HUNDRED soldiers from Iraq. I had helped reunite all these families, yet it hadn't occurred to me. It wasn't until the night of the 6th that it all hit me. I, along with my other volunteers are standing on the tarmac waiting for a plane to come in. It's about 10 pm and as clear a night as you could ask for. I can see the lights of the plane..here it comes. As if on cue, just as the planes wheels touch the ground off in the distance, miles away, someone is setting off fireworks. But they hadn't been until the plane came. What an awesome coincidence!! A plane with 250 plus soldiers coming home from war and fireworks going off in the background. I was in awe. As I said it's 10pm so it's quite dark on the tarmac except for these huge lights that shine on the walkway to the plane. We're all standing in the shadows (not purposely) so the soldiers coming off the plane can't see us. We begin to applaud and cheer and they look over. As they look our way I step into the light..followed by my other volunteers. The soldiers faces lit up brighter than the runway lights! They were so thankful we were there. Each one had a big smile as they filed past. Then out of nowhere, not a cloud in the sky, it began to drizzle. Not enough to wet anything, but just enough to let you feel it. A soldier coming towards us stopped. He removed his helmet, tilted his face to the sky, held his arms wide open and as the rain drops fell he yelled," American Rain, American Rain!!! Thank You God..I love the rain!!" We all just stood there and watched this take place. Then he walked to us, gave the first lady a hug, and came to me and shook my hand. I told him welcome home and said ," I'll bet you didn't know, but we had it rain tonight just for you. We knew you were coming home." With an ear to ear grin he said, " Thank you mam, I never knew how much I missed rain......American rain." And he made his way inside the building. I saw him again later as he filed out to get on the bus. He waved his tiny American flag at me and bid me a goodnight. So after thinking of things..maybe the 4th of July wasn't such a disappointment after all. Maybe I should be thankful for every single thing in my life..whether it's big or small. One thing is for sure..I will always carry two images in my head..the fireworks going off in the sky behind that plane as it landed..and the image of that soldier with his face to the sky enjoying his American Rain.

I'm sitting here filled with so much emotion..a raw aching feeling in my heart. I know I should write something..I NEED and HAVE to write something. Yet I have no idea where to begin. I'm angry, I'm sad but most of all I'm reflecting. Reflecting over the last 15 months of my life. I can't watch TV anymore, because it makes me furious. I have yet to see a single commercial or program which deals with the meaning of Memorial Day. I see sales, cookouts, vacations..but no remembrance. Maybe if more people have spent the last months of their lives in the same way I have they'd get it. I was standing on the tarmac today next to the Adopt A Soldier lady here. We were standing in the rain bringing home a plane from Afghanistan. When the rain got too hard we moved under the over hang. We stood clapping as the soldiers made their way off the plane. The rain was really coming down..their first steps on American soil and it's pouring. But funny..they didn't seem to mind. I could hear someone yelling at them to do something with their weapons. In front of me stood 128 US soldiers..in the rain..fidgeting with the their weapons. I remarked to her that it doesn't seem real to be bringing home soldiers. She agreed. And then it hit me..since January of 2007, not a single month has gone by that I haven't sent off a plane. Every month..15 months..soldiers going out. thousands and thousands of faces and names. Hundreds of stories and memories. Each one burnt into my mind. haunted by ones who didn't come home. Thankful for each one who did or will. Plane after plane after plane. Waving to each one and praying for those on board..wondering if it will ever end..never ever getting used to seeing that line of backpacks walking to the stairs. Remembering every thank you mam..every word..every postcard or letter that gets placed in my hand. Every hand I touch..every scared glance I return with a smile..every reassuring word I've given..every tear I've shed..every flag I've held..I too have had a 15 month deployment. I just never left home. So I ask of you..please..while doing your sale shopping..your BBQ's..your vacations...please take a moment and reflect and realize the meaning of this holiday. and say a prayer of thanks to all the families who will have that empty seat at their picnic table..that wedding that never happen..that birthday that still comes but no reason to celebrate...please be grateful for the brave souls who sacrificed so much on our behalf. Tags: | Edit Tags

Our calendar is comprised of 12 months and 365 days. Each day has a special meaning to someone. Each one an annivesary of something. Weddings, birthdays and certain milestones are all things we celebrate. We look forward to them coming each year. However there are other events which occur that we don't celebrate. We simply remember. We choose to remember because the event shouldn't be forgotten. September 11, 2001 is one example. April 27, 2007 is another. April 27, 2007 is just another day on the calendar to many people. But it is a day of great pain to others. It's a day that a life was saved and two were lost on a lonely road in Iraq. On a dusty, dirty road two young honorable men died while serving their country. In an instant their worlds ended so very far from home. Two lives, one 20 and one 21 cut short before they truly began. Now on the one year anniversary I remember them along with the families and friends they left behind. The memories of that day will never fade. With each year that passes the reminder of this tragedy will be on the calendar. Even though you'd like to forget , the day still comes. It's still there time after time and year after year. And you're forced to remember, to go back and reflect. The horrors of that day continue to haunt those who were there. I've seen the effects of what they witnessed there. I've seen the pain and agony in their eyes. I have seen grown men shed tears as they relive it. Their bottom lips trembling as they try to make it thru one sentence. The anger, the pain, the heartache, the helplessness, the sadness and worst of all..the guilt. The guilt over surviving, the guilt over not being there and the guilt over not being able to do more. And the haunting question of why..why did this happen? A question for which there is no answer. A question which no comfort can be given. No resolution can be found. The worst question there is...why? I have always been told that time brings healing. I believe that to be true to a point. I don't think you ever truly heal from some things. Time soothes the wound and makes it easier to get thru the day. But you never truly heal, because you never forget. There's always a reminder..and that same haunting question......why......? Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. I am in a thousand winds that blow, I am the softly falling snow. I am the gentle showers of rain, I am the fields of ripening grain. I am in the morning hush, I am in the graceful rush Of beautiful birds in circling flight, I am the starshine of the night. I am in the flowers that bloom, I am in a quiet room. I am in the birds that sing, I am in each lovely thing. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there. I did not die. RIP PFC David Kirkpatrick and SPC Eddie Tamez

I am currently in the midst of sending off the Indiana National Guard. This has been an amazing group of people to meet. They have been so gracious and friendly. I wish I could have met them all under different circumstances..a happier occasion than having to deploy them to Iraq. I was at one of the deployments the other night. I was standing at my postcard/letter writing table. I saw a young female approaching the table from my left. She had two cards in her hand. She stopped to place her cards in the mailbox we have for them. But before putting them in out of the corner of my eye I saw her close her eyes and kiss each one. Then I saw her put them up to her forehead as if she was filling them with her thoughts. As tears ran down her cheeks she ever so gently put the cards into the mailbox. Even though she was less than three feet from me I didn't want to invade on such a personal and private moment. She turned and went back over to her spot on the carpet. A while later I was going into our storeroom and she crossed right in front of me. I could she was still crying. I touched her arm and reached into my pocket and got something so tiny, yet so powerful..I got an angel penny, turned her hand over and placed it in her palm. I held onto her hand and looked in her eyes and told her not to worry..everything would be fine. With her bottom lip trembling she thanked me and I let her go. The time came for them to line up and she just happened to find herself in front of me again. She looked over and smiled. She held the penny up between two fingers and said," I still have it right here mam. I'll take good care of it." I knew in my heart that tiny penny meant something to her. She found comfort in a time and place that little comfort was available. I was glad I was there. The time came for them to board the plane. I'm standing inside the hallway looking into the room. One of the soldiers who had been training this group was standing next to me. I told him about seeing her cry and he asked me if I talked to her? I told him I did, but I didn't mention the penny. Then I saw her sitting up in the bleachers. She came down to find her place in the line. Her group started leaving and she came thru the doors and saw me standing there clapping for them as I always do. To my surprise to stopped in front of me, came to attention and saluted me. It took all I had to keep my composure. Then off she went to serve her country. The soldier next to me asked me if that was her? I shook my head that yes, it was. His next words I will never forget..he said, "Well, after seeing that..I'd say you helped her alright. I'd say you made a big difference to that young lady." I just stood quietly with my hand in my pocket rubbing an angel penny. Something so tiny yet so powerful.

Last night I sent off a plane to Iraq. Out of the 4 years and hundreds of planes I've sent off, I think last night was the hardest yet. Driving to the airfield I saw the deploying soldiers with their families. I'm always grateful that I don't have to see this happening. But last night, there they were. I drove on with a sense of sadness. This is the hardest part of what I do. I sometimes feel I help in tearing families apart. Even though I know I don't, it can be very depressing. So I make it to the airfield and set up all of our tables and wait for the soldiers to get there. When they come in the building we're there to greet them as them come in a single file line. I notice one guy passes me with his arm bandaged. Hmmm..ouch. Once inside they eat chow and then come thru our line for the care bags we give them. With close to 200 soldiers in the room it's hard to spend a great deal of time talking to each one. So I'm handing out the bags and this one soldier was asking me about the CD in his bag. He's looking at it..and he starts sniffling. I thought he was pretending to cry. so jokingly I said,"what in the world are you crying about?" My heart almost stopped when he looked up..his eyes were brimmed with tears..he said," I miss my daughter..I didn't get to say goodbye." I told him it was ok..that he wasn't saying goodbye anyway..it was just see you later. he went on to tell me she would be five before he made it back home. It was his first child and that she was his life. I kept trying to console him. I slipped an angel penny into his hand as another soldier came up behind him. He moved on down the table away from me. I helped the next soldier, but kept my eye on the other. I finally lost sight of him in the sea of ACUs. A little while later I was talking to my other volunteer telling her about him. She said I should try to find him if it was bothering me so much. I looked and looked and never found him. A soldier overheard me talking to her..and he spoke up and said he knew who it was and he'd make him come back over to me. About 10 minutes later he came back and said he heard I was looking for him. I told him yes I was..that my aunt wanted to talk to him. So he went over and I saw her writing down his info. I went into the storeroom to get more supplies and as I was coming out he was coming toward me. I smiled at him and before I knew what happened he was hugging me and sobbing. Right in the middle of the busy room. His face was just buried in my neck and the sobs racked his body. I hugged him back and told him everything was going to be fine..please don't worry..it will be fine..I promise. I tried so hard to help him..I didn't know what to do. People were staring at us but I didn't care. At that point he and I were the only people in the room. I kept saying it will be ok ..and he kept saying yes mam..I finally had to let him go and with great reluctance he let me go. He looked down at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen..he whispered..I'm sorry mam..I put my hand on his cheek and told him he nothing to be sorry for..he said thank you..and turned and walked away. By this time I too am crying..I'm trying so hard not to..but the tears are leaking out anyway. I went to the Adopt a Soldier table and found his card and got his name. About an hour later he was back at my table. He was trying to write a postcard home. But he couldn't write. He was the guy with the bandaged hand. I found out later he had dropped a TV on his hand and the pins were removed 4 weeks early so he could be deployed. Another soldier came up to him and wrote the post card for him. That was the most endearing sight. When they were finished writing he was walking away and I called him back over. I walked over to him and took my support our troops band off my wrist and gave it to him. "bring this back to me ok?" I told him. I told him I got his email and I was going to email him. Looking down at the wristband he said, "mam..what's your name?" I told him my name..and still looking down he said, "I want to thank you mam. I don't think you know how much you have helped me tonight..I really appreciate it." when he finally looked up his eyes were teared up again. I smiled and said..that's what I'm here for..and again he turned and walked away. I watched him go sit on the floor alone and look at the wristband. Then I put him on a plane and sent him away. And with a heavy heart I cried all the way home.

When A Soldier Cries I was the airport this week sitting behind my booth when I noticed a young couple walk by. They were walking very slow and she was holding onto his arm with a death grip. He was in civilian clothes and she was a soldier. They went down to Delta got his ticket and came back and sat with their backs to me across from my booth. About a half an hour later I saw them standing, hugging. Her face was buried against his chest and I could hear her crying. I felt so bad for her, but then I noticed all the people walking by and staring. I mean they were very obvious in doing so too. Almost walking into things because they were looking so hard. It made me so angry. Even though this couple was in the middle of the airport they didn't have to stare like this. I just wanted to yell at them to stop! "Stop staring! Haven't you ever seen people saying goodbye?! How would like it if your pain was made into spectacle?" Then i wondered if this young woman wasn't wearing the uniform would they have reacted the same? Or was the wearing of US Army uniform a reason to be gawked at? How sad such a painful thing was anything but private. I don't know why it bothers me so bad..maybe it's all the faces I see when i send them off. Maybe it's the selfless way they act around me. Maybe it's the sacrifice they make. Maybe it's that they CHOOSE to make that sacrifice. Maybe it's how they are always so grateful for the smallest things. Maybe it's because I think they deserve better than they have. Maybe it's because they are willing to fight and die for a cause that most of us take for granted. Maybe it's all of these things and more combined that it hurts my heart when a soldier cries. I never get to see what happens to the families on the other side of security. But when I flew to NYC I got to see first hand the goodbyes that take place at the gates. And I never want to see that again. Three different soldiers were going back, two men and one woman. All three had their spouses and children at the gate. Each one hanging on until the very last minute. Children clinging to legs and husbands and wives holding each other. And once again people were staring. When the soldiers made their way thru the gate each one waved and blew kisses. I noticed one man kept waving but his wife was trying to get one of the kids to behave and she didn't see him. He kept waving but still she didn't see. I felt a panic building up in my chest because I hated the thought of him going thru that door and her not seeing him. Or him leaving with that on his mind..she didn't see me. But finally she looked up just as he made it to the door. I felt so relieved. Then all the families went over to big glass window to watch the plane leave. One wife had her hand on the glass...just one single hand. Like she could almost feel her husband on the other side. I was sitting a distance away with mines and my husbands bags but even from where I was I could see the tears making their way down her cheek. And still the people stared. I wondered why none of them went over to her and tried to console her. So what if she's a stranger..her husband just left to go back to war..show some kindness for God's sake! But not a soul went over to her. They just pointed and whispered. Had I not been stuck with a ton of bags I would have gone over to her. She stayed in that exact position until the plane left. Then she straightened up her shoulders wiped her tears and walked away. She was coming towards me and I stepped out and touched her arm. "He will be back, you just be strong and he'll be home soon I promise." With bloodshot eyes she said thank you and hugged me. I was once again reminded of the power of an act of kindness.