We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process

At what number beer are you officially not 'working from home' anymore?

Last I heard, my guardian angel was in the ER with alcohol poisoning

Happy Pi Day! :)

'A sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ.' J. Steinbeck

Imagine if fubar profiles were like house listings: 1. Square footage 2. Date built. 3. Number of owners? 4. Finished basement? :D

Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one. :)

Sorry I haven't been on...it was the annual 'spring shaving of the legs' day. Locks of love is thrilled :D

I really don't care how Hillary sent emails as long as we never have to find out she might have been sexting. I think I'd need therapy from seeing the images.

Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for a mass murderer...umm...what's your plan if you find one?

I wonder if there is an escalation in violence this first Monday after Daylight Savings starts? Bc it's damn sure a 'don't talk to me til I've had at least TWO cups of coffee' day

Checking my various social media accounts to see what I did last night :)

Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it,I am taping a condom to the window :D

Playing 'groundhog' today: woke up and saw the temp outside so going back to bed for 6 more hours :)

Alcohol may not have been the solution but now I don't care about the problem :D

On Fridays I like to answer all work emails with 'unsubscribe' :D

Wasn't Lando Calrissian supposed to fix that problem in Cloud City?

Thanks to my iPhone auto correct, my sister now thinks I miss going on weekend 'fisting' trips with our grandfather

We now live in a world where it's easier to get out of a marriage than a cell phone contract lol

I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie. :D