Inky's blog: "Need To Knows"

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

 

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

 

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

 

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

 

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

 

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.   

 

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

 

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

 

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

 

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

 

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

 

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

 

If you can see CHUCK NORRIS, CHUCK NORRIS can see you. If you can't see him, you may be seconds away from death

 

There is no such thing as evolution, just a list of species that Chuck Norris has allowed to survive.

 

Once Chuck Norris went to the Superbowl. He beat the Steelers 45 Ð 3.

 

Chuck Norris never wears a motorcycle helmet. The concrete always scoots out of the way.

 

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Unless Chuck Norris is on the other side, in which case the grass is soaked with blood and tears.

 

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

 

There are in fact five elemental forces; Strong, weak, electromagnetic, gravitation and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has been dead for years. Death is afraid to come get him.

 

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is now measuring tropical storms and hurricanes in categories of Norris Roundhouse Kicks (NRK).

 

Chuck Norris bends light through sheer willpower.

 

The driving method portrayed by the Flintstones was actually pioneered by Chuck Norris. Chuck was unable to find an engine that would be able to power his vehicle via either beard or roundhouse kick. Chuck instead roundhouse kicks the ground in a flutter motion, thereby propelling his vehicle forward at a high rate of speed. This has led to Chuck winning the Nextel Cup since its' inception.

 

Chuck Norris came to my BBQ last summer, ate all the red hot charcoal out of the grill and then proceeded to fart out large diamonds for the ladies in the awe-struck crowd.

 

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.

 

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

 

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

 

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

 

Darkness is not the absence of light. It is the presence of Chuck Norris.

 

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.

 

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

 

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

 

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

 

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

 

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's hassles.

 

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

 

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

 

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

 

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

 

Due to Chuck Norris, stars also have comet-like trails, but no one on earth can see them. Comets have visible trails because the roundhouse kick that sent them flying has warped our perception of spacetime.

 

When Chuck Norris needs new clothes, he stares down raw textiles. They become terrified and weave themselves into garments.

 

Chuck Norris once ate a RubricÕs Cube, and pooped it out solved.

 

As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the wheelchair.

 

While filming Lone Wolf McQuade, Chuck Norris discovered the Unified Field Theory of Physics while eating a cheese danish. Chuck realized that the world was not ready for this information, so he wrote the equations on the cheese danish and threw it into an elliptical orbit which takes it past the orbit of Neptune. Every 65 years the danish will return until Man is ready for the knowledge.

 

Black holes are stars hiding from the gaze of Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't dance. Because if he did, the space-time continuum would rip, and all life on Earth would cease.

 

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side

 

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

 

Chuck Norris can make a traffic light change, merely by staring at it long enough.

 

Once Chuck Norris was so impressed with the power of his roundhouse kick that he neglected to control it, and the resulting tear in the fabric of space-time took him back almost a century and a half.

 

Upon arriving in the 19th century, Chuck was astounded that, given his obvious ability to travel through time, the mortals present hadn't heard of him. In his rage, he began kicking people into the sun, and both the Union and the Confederacy sent armies to stop him. This was the real cause of all the deaths at Gettysburg.

 

After defeating both countries, Chuck Norris used his roundhouse-kicking time travel to journey into the future. Dismayed that he was only considered a demigod by our posterity, he destroyed the future with a series of grunts and glares. This is why no one from the future has come back in time to our present.

 

Despite the fact that his immense kicking prowess had completely obliterated creation itself, Chuck's power was so great that that entropy wouldn't touch him. With a final roundhouse kick, Chuck went back to the nothingness at the beginning of time, and set the universe back in motion with a spinning roundhouse; this was the Big Bang.

 

Chuck Norris created the entire socio-political ideology of Communism in 34 minutes, just to have somebody to kill in the movie "Invasion USA".

 

Chuck Norris can fly, he simply chooses not to.

 

The US doesn't launch satellites. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks them into orbit.

 

Chuck Norris once looked at a black hole, which caused it to turn into a white dwarf from pure terror.

 

When a germ or infection enters Chuck Norris' bloodstream, his white blood cells simply stare at it, and it leaves.

 

When Sartre said "hell is other people", he was actually talking about Chuck Norris. He just said "other people" to avoid offending Chuck Norris.

 

After renting Delta Force on DVD, Stanley Kubrick cried uncontrollably for 2 weeks straight. He held a little known press conference, while crying, in which he stated that "the filmmaking industry has no reason to exist anymore, and I have no reason to make films. I will retire now, ashamed of my meek accomplishments, and try to find a career that I can succeed in." He died that night. The official doctor's diagnosis: A broken heart

 

"Chuck Norris" is a safe word that works for all jungle beasts.

 

Black cats do not cross Chuck Norris' path.